Be prepared for a post without a payoff of sorts... it's about a photograph I took, but you won't see it here.
As the title of this post suggests, it was a self-portrait... and for various reasons, I am one of those people who don't share pictures of themselves on their blog. It's not that I am living under a veil of paranoia, have incredibly low esteem, or a vampire... if you poke around a little bit, it really isn't that hard to find a picture of me.
I am just not a big fan of having my picture taken. Thus I am always a bit amazed by the number of people who apparently not only love having their picture taken but sharing it with the world. The only time I want my picture taken is to document that I've been some place or if I am forced into it (i.e. family gathering type stuff). Of over 1,000+ pix from our Europe trip, I was in a handful of them... me at Tower Bridge, Big Ben, Eiffel Tower, and Notre Dame (for Mom!). No surprise in icon-less Amsterdam nary a picture of either us (Todd has even more disdain re: on-camera appearances).
Earlier this week and very much on a lark... I took a picture of myself.
I am still in full experimental mode with this HDR/tone-mapping post-photo processing stuff. In my pursuit to get out and take more photographs, last weekend I went over and shot our local TGIFridays restaurant that was totaled by a fire a couple of months ago. While those HDR pix came out okay, I feel like I am getting mixed results with it... which is fine, it's all experimenting... seeing what works and what doesn't and I enjoy that part of the process. This was just another try.
So I take this closely cropped shot of myself and after getting over the initial shock of seeing my face at 3750 x 2282 pixels (yikes! yowza!), I had a lot of different feelings - horrified, sad, intrigued, disconnected, excited, content - but found myself returning to it again and again... and really looking at it... truly odd behavior for someone who doesn't like his picture taken and looks at the pictures he is in a very fleeting manner.
Part of my fascination with the picture was the lack of distractions -- it wasn't a "look I'm here!" picture -- it was just me. And if that sounds egotistical, well let me say it's not a flattering picture.
Since I was shooting it for HDR (requiring 3 photos taken in quick succession at different exposures), I have a frozen and somewhat solemn expression on my face. The framing is not great (it was one of those stretch your arms out self-pix) with some late (and not great) afternoon lighting (or lack thereof) coming in from a shuttered window...
Physically, there are the bags underneath my eyes, the receding hair line, the iffy skin tone, the hit-and-miss of some shoddy shaving, and portions of my birthmark that has been a blessing and curse of my life. I think most of us don't think of ourselves as our age... but given this assessment, there was no denying that there was a 40-year old person staring back at me from the computer screen...and, at times, particularly during the processing part, I didn't even feel like I was looking at a picture of myself.
Ultimately, I made peace with the picture... both from a photographic and personal point of view. While to the person cyber-passing it by, it may just see it as just another photo someone took of themselves... but to me it has proven the adage that "a picture is worth a thousand words"... though, in typical fashion, I'm guessing I have far exceeded that quota here.
I am surprised how much of a "journey" it turned out to be for me. Earlier this week, I mentioned feeling a bit "off" this week and I think there is a little of that in this picture... and the bit of self-reflection that has resulted, is perhaps what I really needed... though it was certainly not an intentional or conscious decision of what was a spontaneous act.